


Can't Be Alone Again.

by psyleedee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Caring Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel (Supernatural) is Loved, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel is Protective of Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s14e18 Absence, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, Minor Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s14e18 Absence, Romance, Trauma, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 21:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18484849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psyleedee/pseuds/psyleedee
Summary: "You're too good Cas, too forgiving... You let us push you over, let us lash out at you, and you still stand with us, saying you'll die next to us... Why...? Why do you let us do this to you?"Dean asks, voice brimming with emotions and eyes rimmed red and glassy.Cas just smiles softly, and raises a hand to caress Dean's shoulder."You already know the answer..."Dean looks at him for a moment. Just blankly stares at him for a moment. But truth is, he does know the answer.





	Can't Be Alone Again.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a coda fic for 14×18, Absence. buckle in for angst, bitches.

They're driving home, and usually, the soft purr of the Impala is enough to put Dean's mind at ease. But still, with Mary gone, having burnt his mother's body not too long ago, Dean feels empty. Sam's crying, not loud, just sobs here and there, and sniffles. Dean can hear them beside him. Dean wants to break down. He had his mother back for just some time, but its his mom, the same one who sang to him each night, the same one who baked apple pies for him on bright Sunday mornings when he was four, or the one who although a little hesitant, wrapped her arms lovingly around Dean the first time they met when she had been resurrected.

If it weren't for the fact that he was driving, or that he was supposed to be the big brother, always calm and composed, Dean would've fell apart right there, right in front of the pyre. He swallows a lumps in his throat that threatens to choke him with tears, and he flickers his eyes from the road to the rear view mirror, to glance at Cas.

Cas is... he's silent. He's looking out the window, head pressed silently against the glass. Dean can, momentarily, see his eyes glisten as the pass the street lights. Of course, Mary and Cas did share a somewhat similar relationship like the Winchester brothers did. In fact, Mary did call Cas one of her boys. So, yeah, Cas must be hurting bad as well.

As Dean nears the curve of the Bunker's parking, he's once again reminded of the things he said to Cas. All the rude, untrue words... _You're dead to me._

Dean almost shudders at the thought. He doesn't know what took over him. Grief, anger, betrayal, hurt, concern... Dean couldn't react sensibly, and he knew it. He knew he could've handled things differently. But there was no going back. All he could do was hope that Mary was at peace, with the ones she loved. Maybe, atlast, Mary found her John up in Heaven. Maybe, she's complete again. Back to a world she knows. Dean can only pray.

The Impala pulls up in the same spot as she had been before, and the engine dies down when Dean shuts the car off. There is silence, sharp breaths filling the car, not a word. No one's moving. Slowly, with a soft sniffle, Sam unlocks the door and steps out. Cas follows his moments, but wait for Dean as well. Dean steps out the car and locks her, walking round the bonnet, to where Cas was standing for him.

He doesn't look at Cas, just walks away. He doesn't know why he's doing this. Punishing both Cas and himself. They need to talk, but probably not now. Dean knows, if Cas cares even a minuscule amount about himself, he won't go back to Dean. But Dean's known Cas for years, he knows that Cas will come back to him and he hates it. He hates how loyal Cas is to him.

Cas is walking behind him with a purposely slow pace. He lets Dean walk away, and Dean just wants to go to his room and punch or break things for fuck sake, not cry on someone's shoulder. But the persistent way Cas follows him to the doorway to the Bunker, makes him reconsider his decisions. Makes him reconsider everything.

He storms into his room, and Cas doesn't follow him. He heads for the kitchen, his phone clutched in his hand tightly. He's probably calling Jack, but it won't work. Dean decides to call it a day, stripping down to just his boxers and shorts, and crawling up on the bed, not bothering to tuck himself under the covers. He doesn't know what to do. Maybe he should play a movie, but that's the least of his interests. Maybe music will soothe him... But he hasn't updated his playlist, so he doesn't know if listening to the same songs over and over again will help. He unlocks his phone idly, having nothing else to do. His brain is telling him not to, but his heart wants it, wants to see a picture of Mary, one last time.

He clicks on one of the selfies, its him and Sam with Mary, and Cas is standing next to Dean. Jack's beaming, holding the camera up. Dean swallows, and lets the lump in his throat break out. Before he knows it, his cheeks are wet and there are tears on his phone. He's sobbing, breathless and ugly, he knows. Its not crying, its full on weeping, and he can't get himself to stop no matter what. Memories flood his brain, from his childhood, from recent events, wherever he can see his mom.

A loud knock on the door catches his attention, and he quickly wipes his face and throws his phone on the bed. He walks over to the door, wiping his face once again, erasing away any traces of vulnerability from his face. Slowly, he unlocks the door and pulls it open.

He's met with glassy blue eyes and a soft smile.

"Dean."

"Cas-"  
Dean glances at the plate in Cas's hand. Its a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Did Cas make it himself?

"I know its not much, but I've heard that sweet food is supposed to be emotionally comforting. We don't have a lot of sweets and this is all I can make. I guessed you were hungry, y'know, since you haven't really eaten much."

Cas babbles on, and Dean can tell he's nervous. But still, the small gesture makes him smile. He steps aside, letting Cas know that he can step inside. Cas walks towards the bedside table and sets the plate down. Dean follows him, walking towards him. Cas turns around and he's suddenly really close. Dean can practically see the exhaustion flooding in his eyes.

Cas must've sense the awkwardness of the situation, because he tenses slightly, and stutters, blinking aimlessly, studying Dean's face like its something he's seeing for the first time.

"I'm, uh, I'll be in my room if you, um, need me..."  
Cas begins, but Dean's too tired of dilly-dallying around the bushes, so he clutches both of Cas's wrists, and holds him in place.

"No. Stay here."

Dean says, swallowing down his pride. Cas's face softens, and he tilts his head like he always does. He nods slowly and gives a distracted, hesitant, half smile. They stand like that for a moment before Dean speaks.

"I uhm, I said a lotta mean things to you today, didn't I..."

He takes a deep breath, while Cas just watches him with expectant eyes. Dean licks his lips, and for a fleeting second, his eyes linger on Cas's lips.

"Y'know, stuff like... stuff like... uh, just mean, rude, things that I never meant. So uhm, I was expecting you to be kinda pissed about it..."  
Dean says, rubbing little circles on Cas's wrist because he just can't stay silent.

"It was very hurtful, I'll admit, hearing you say all those things but..."  
Cas sighed, shutting his eyes and nodding.

"But I understand. You were obviously in pain- angry and upset. And maybe I shouldn't have kept things from you. I just- Everything was finally fitting into place... And I didn't want to lose that."

Cas flashes an empty smile, probably to himself, then looks back up at Dean, genuine, understanding eyes looking up at him.

"You're too good Cas, too forgiving... You let us push you over, let us lash out at you, and you still stand with us, saying you'll die next to us... Why...? Why do you let us do this to you?"

Dean asks, voice brimming with emotions and eyes rimmed red and glassy.

Cas just smiles softly, and raises a hand to caress Dean's shoulder.

"You already know the answer..."

Dean looks at him for a moment. Just blankly stares at him for a moment. But truth is, he _does_ know the answer.

Cautiously, Dean moves in, wrapping his hands around Cas's waist, burying his head in Cas's neck, squeezing him tighter like he might disappear.

Cas shuts his eyes, and presses his cheek to Dean's, moving his hand up to caress Dean's head, stroking his hair softly. His one hand remains wrapped firmly around Dean's shoulder. Cas knows what to do, even more so, he can feel deep within him, what he needs to do to calm Dean. He rocks Dean slowly, tracing his fingers lightly through the hair at the nape of Dean's neck.

Dean can't help himself, he just gives in to the urge, finally breaking down. He doesn't know if its being in Cas's arms that does it for him or what, but now he can't stop. He's clinging desperately onto Cas, tugging at the lapels of his trenchcoat. He's whimpering and gasping, and he's probably never done this with anyone before, but it feels so good to just let himself go, not giving a damn about who says what. Cas hears the sobs, breathless and helpless against his neck, and presses Dean closer.

"Hey... Dean... I've got you..."

The sobs just become more erratic, as Dean struggles to find words to frame a sentence.

"Hey, hey, its okay, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here, alright? Calm down..."

Cas strokes his back and head tenderly, and Dean just nods, weeping, dampening the fabric of Cas's coat. Cas still coaxes, unable to see Dean this helpless. Dean cries, he does, pouring out all the guilt he'd been burying for ages, and all it took to break down that dam, was a touch from Cas.

"Cas-Cas-"

Dean wants to say something, but he doesn't know how to stop gasping, with all the sobbing.

"Hey, hey, talk to me, I'm right here..."

"Cas-"

Dean swallows, panting breathlessly, and Cas tries to stop the tears brimming in his own eyes, shusshing Dean and whispering calm words into his ears. Still, Dean can feel himself choking on his own tears, breathing heavily to calm himself down.

"Cas- Cas, I keep- I keep losing her- I can't- I don't wanna- don't wanna keep- keep losing ever-every one-"

Dean says in between sobs, Cas's hand skimming softly over Dean's neck.

"L-lost y-you- L-lost Jack-"

"But we're back, hey, I'm right here, yeah? Dean, we're not gonna leave you, okay?"

"L-lost mo-mom-"

"Dean she's at peace, you're listening to me? You have to believe me... She's peaceful now, okay, up in Heaven with John, with _her_ Dean and Sam, that's where she wants to belong... She's happy, alright Dean?"

Cas pushes Dean's face away, and Dean wipes his palms over his face, eyes still shut, breaths slowly returning to normal, sobs fading into little sniffs. Dean nods mindlessly.

"I want you to take a deep breath, won't you do that for me?"

Cas is pressing against him again, slowly now, coaxing him, rubbing his thumb across Dean's cheeks. He can feel Dean's chest rise as he takes a deep breath.

"Okay, I want you to let it go, slowly..."

Cas can feel Dean's chest drop against his own chest. Cas can hear the amplified sound of Dean's heartbeat, and its racing.

"Alright, do that again, for me, okay?"

Dean nods and takes a few deep breaths, exhaling shakily, but Cas keeps stroking his back.  
"That's better, isn't it? Do you feel better?"

Cas moves back slightly to look up at Dean. His face is tinted red, eyes especially, from all the crying. Cas traces a finger along his cheek.

"Are you feeling okay now?"

Dean nods, and rubs his hands up and down Cas's waist.

Cas smiles, and Dean literally doesn't know what else to do, so he leans forward, eyeing Cas's lips, and Cas closes the distance between them. Dean's lips are damp with his tears, and taste a little salty, but that gets washed away when Dean pulls him closer, and Cas wraps his arms around Dean's neck. Its soft and tender, unaffected by reality, like being in a daze, dreaming about soft summers and sunflowers and the tender warmth of the sun. Dean's lost in them, truly, and he thinks, hell, he should've done this long ago. But regretting is not an option, and instead, he tries to immerse himself in the feeling. He's not Castiel, Seraph, Angel of Thursday, mighty warrior, anymore. He's just plain old Cas, the one Dean's hurt so many times, the one who keeps coming back to him, no matter what.

Dean pulls away from the kiss, just gazing at Cas for a moment. Cas looks so gorgeous, with his swollen lips and flushed out cheeks. Dean brushes away some stray hair from Cas's forehead, and Cas smiles a little hesitantly.

"Cas..."

"Yeah?"

"I was so mean to you, wasn't I?"

"It's in the past, Dean."

"No, tell me... Tell me all the times I've hurt you."

"Dean-"

"Tell me all the times I've hurt you... So I know how much more I need to love you to be enough."

"You're enough for me, Dean. There's no one I'd rather love, with all my soul."

Dean gulps, the exchange making him go all weak in the knees. He strokes a thumb across Cas's jaw, and kisses his forehead.

"I won't hurt you again, Cas. Never."

Cas just hums, tears filling his eyes as he thinks about what the future holds for them.

**Author's Note:**

> you can also find me on tumblr- psyleedee.  
> tell me if you liked it!  
> I was personally disappointed by 14×18, so I decided to get my thoughts out.  
>  _comments are appreciated!_


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